Tearing Each Other Down: The Body Debate
Women, we are one another’s worst enemies and one another’s best friends.
We back each other, and we bash each other. The extreme dichotomy between these opposing positions seems to show up in all areas of our lives. And lest you think this post is for women only, it’s not. So keep reading, lads and lasses.
Misogyny, I’m sensitive to this. Defined as the hatred of women, misogyny, I’m noticing a lot of it lately. Not that this is anything new, it’s been standard operating procedure for much of what of Madison Avenue, the Hollywood machine, and Seventh Avenue spews forth, but the issue seems to be surfacing with increasing venom.
There’s a back and forth argument out there in the world wide web-o-sphere that looks like this or this . One camp touts the beauty of the ultra-slim runway model, and the other camp is in favor of the voluptuous form that Marilyn Monroe embodied.
You know, curvy is hotter than stick-thin, or stick-thin is so much prettier than fat (and fire her if she puffs up to a size 8, or size 4). Arguing about which body type is better or hotter, often under the guise of health (a related, yet separate issue), is polarizing women, pitting them against one another.
Women (and men) engaged in bashing women who don’t adhere to a body type that conforms to the fascist standards-du-jour perpetuate the myth that women’s worth is measured by her outward beauty; that a woman’s self-esteem should be derived from the reflection in her mirror.
Externally imposed ideals are impossible to uphold—whether the pressure is to morph our bodies into the airbrushed, ultra-thin type that stares back at us from Vogue or into the curvy Bettie Page body shape—the damage is still the same: women at war with one another and themselves for failing to fit into a false and dangerous norm.
I know a woman who is very thin. Her entire family has the same build—athletic, runner types. She had an eating disorder in her college days (even she felt fat), but that was many years ago. By the time I met her, this woman had a hearty appetite and no food issues. Sadly, women would come up to her at work and ask her if she was anorexic. To her face. As if asking her what shade of lipstick she was wearing, except with disdain in their voices. I worked with her for a few months and witnessed this on several occasions.
So, this body bashing needs to stop. And yes, health issues: obesity, anorexia, body dysmorphia, etc. are epidemic. We are an overweight culture, we make poor food choices, or we over-exercise and count every calorie within a 3-mile radius of our lips, but all this makes me wonder: without the emphasis on body-as-cultural-currency, would we have half the food- and health-related issues that we do? What do you think?
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21 Comments for this entry
shanna
Leah!
Thank you for being honest and raw. Only through exposing this judgement, that we feel toward ourselves and that others have felt toward us, can we begin to heal. It’s a crisis for all women–thin, full-figured, or somewhere in between. So many of us go through our lives with a feeling of lack, that we are not enough–or too much in some cases.
You story breaks my heart–I think most of us have had similar experiences regardless of our dress size. I am honored that you chose to share it here, with me and my readers, and I am sending you the biggest vibes of acceptance that you can ever imagine! You are not less, and not too much, you are beautiful you–no one can ever take that from you!
xo 
Laura gates
Amen sister. Working on loving what is over here.
Laura gates recently posted..What’s Your Money Story?
Sue Ann Gleason
This is a powerful post, Shanna. I work with these women, these refugees of the weight loss war zone. It’s the SELFhate that that I witness every day that brings me to my knees and cracks my heart wide open. From women who think their husbands are cheating on them because they are not attractive (ENOUGH) to women who NEVER loved themselves enough to feed themselves well. I don’t know if it’s the body bashing I see as much as the desperation to be someoneSOMEWHERE else—in someone else’s body, in someone else’s marriage, in someone else’s shoes.
I am also feeling so very grateful to be witnessing a group of women support and love each other in all of their food angst and body image struggles. There is a shift in the making. And it is a sight to behold.
And hold.
Thank you, always, for writing from the heart and stimulating such great discussions.
Sue Ann Gleason recently posted..Best of 2011
shanna
Thank you, Sue Ann. Your presence here in my little home on the interwebs always makes me smile, and your insight is spot-on, per usual. Learning to love and support our perceived enemies of self and other women, is a process and a journey in itself. It’s a part of our higher calling and something that allows us to fully express our human-ness. It takes awareness and recalibration–both when those awful thoughts about ourselves creep in and when we feel compelled to bash other women for whatever we find threatening/unappealing/whatever.
thanks for being a part of the journey toward wholeness for all women.
Kimby
“Body-as-cultural-currency.” Whoa. Shanna, you’ve nailed it. When “value” is placed on external things (shape, dress size, appearance), the most important “worth” is ignored — that of a person/woman to simply be appreciated for who they are.
shanna
Kim,
Thank you for reading and adding your voice to this conversation. And that is the key, isn’t it–to keep the conversation going? Only then can we shift from the “body-as-cultural-currency” system to a culture that values our inherent unique qualities and celebrates our differences.
Ronna
Shanna: Enough cannot be said/stated/written/preached about this. ‘Love that you’ve named what’s oh-so-true and oh-so-painful.
I saw Miss Representation last week and am still on the verge of tears everytime I think of it; but more, compelled to be one who brings about change.
Glad to be doing such with you!
Ronna recently posted..Finding Words ~ Telling Truth
shanna
Thank you, Ronna, for taking the time to read my work and for your comment. I, too, feel heartbroken every time I think of Miss Representation–the issues were not new to me, but the film brought the inequities and negative stereotypes to the surface for me again. I am committed to bringing about change for women all over the world–thank you for joining me!
Helen Hunter Mackenzie
YES, Shanna- we need to end the war that we have with our own bodies in particular. If I wake up every morning and look at myself with disgust (because I don’t appear to fit whatever ‘mold’ society has created for me), then I betray the very body that supports me in my endeavor to live out my deepest purpose in life. If I am able to look upon my body with deep respect, love, and total gratitude for how it has carried me around all these years as a faithful servant (wow, look at how those fingers are just typing away at my command!) then I can begin to have a relationship with my body that transcends all the trends, judgments, and whimsical notions society can possibly send my way.
Helen Hunter Mackenzie recently posted..the inevitability of karma + the power of de-writing your story
nasrine
Shanna! BRAVO, can you hear my standing ovation. Yes, why do we rip each other down, judging and being hateful towards one another? We’re all in this together and at the end of the day what happens to me or you does effect the whole. I do hope we can innately understand it’s just as easy to love rather then hate.
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Candace Smyth
Thank you for the great post Shanna. I was one of those girls taking laxatives at 16, just to get a little smaller. I never saw myself as thin but absolutely was. I was in beauty pageants throughout my childhood — grew up in Alabama. I think most women I grew up with (and myself) believed our beauty, body was almost the only viable option for women to achieve — it would help us find our husband. And, I grew up with women competing like crazy (and actually competing in these pageants) for the “prize.” That was the thought process I was raised with, anyway. When I left home for college, I rebelled completely — no makeup for years and years. It is with ayurveda, yoga and meditation that I have found me and learned to be happy with who I am and wear makeup, dress up when I feel like it (and not worry about other women talking). I so relate with everything you are saying.
With body bashing — we are bashing other sisters, we are bashing ourselves. Keep writing woman! Lots of love.
Kathleen
Shanna… your work is powerfully confrontational… and I thank you for it! You challenge the superficial yet powerful media which has mirrored our worst shadows… our self hatred! “without the emphasis on body-as-cultural-currency, would we have half the food- and health-related issues that we do?”
We are all CAUGHT in this delusion together! And… we each must do our own work to free ourselves and then turn to another to liberate them. Eventually this whole fallacy is going to fully fall like the wall none of us ever thought would disappear.
I fall in the category of your thin friend above. My father was Finnish and wiry… and that is my heritage. I was always self conscious about being too thin. I couldn’t gain weight. I too had all the women saying the most bizarre things to me. I weigh more now than I ever have in my LIFE and I am 54! and I LOVE IT! sooooo grateful. Around 50 I began to feel my body waning even more than it had.. my bones began crying out! I looked at voluptuous + women with ENVY at their health. Ugh. No one knows how close to death someone very thin is.
so yes, the shadows haunt us all. Thank you for bringing them out into the light to be seen and loved and… put in their place.
Kathleen recently posted..A Daemon by Any Other Name…
shanna
Kathleen,
Yes, my work is often confrontational–I hope through my words that I can inspire others to awaken from the dream–the delusion that you speak of. Each person’s healing adds to the collective wellness of us all. And you are right, we must start with ourselves, and expand that circle of love outward, only then can we make peace with our inner terrain and our outer reflection.
Let’s start today, where we are, and find just one small thing to love (about ourselves and one another). There are many things to fall in love with, but let’s start with one and go from there, shall we?
Tracey Ceurvels
Shanna, powerful stuff…and provocatively written. I have countless stories about weight and women and friends, but my biggest takeaway as I read this is to empower my daughter as she grows from a pre-schooler into a teen who will no doubt be bombarded by peer pressure, images in magazines and more. I will teach her acceptance, love and gratitude, for herself and others. Hopefully she’ll be wise enough to deal with those who like to tear others down. Yes, this body bashing needs to stop!
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Jeanie Witcraft
Body as cultural currency. <–yes. This also includes the snarky comments about tattoos, hair color, piercings, slut-or-not clothing, labels in general….not to mention the cultural paradigm that a woman's body is public property. I ranted about that on Facebook awhile back.
I must say that I am angry with myself for not caring for myself well for so many years. My lack of self care has caused me to blow up like a balloon, have jittery monkey mind, and not be able to do the activities that I love to do!
I know that function follows form, genetically speaking. I'd like to get my appropriate form back so I can function as I used to (in my teens, sure, but I was healthy then, if not particularly happy.)
So, I suffer through the pain of regaining form as penance for the "easy" living I had for 10 years.
shanna
Yes, Jeanie! It’s so much harder to regain our health and well-being than it is to lose it, yes? Take it slow and you will be back on the road to wellness. Self-care is a huge part of self-acceptance! Thanks for your comment
GMomma
Shanna, another great post.
I find that this is definitely a topic that I struggle with. Not just that I feel I am in the middle of it, personally. Also, the fact that I am about to have a daughter and feel the need to work out my own issues to show her the best example I can.
In answering your question, tho, I find it’s about the society that we have become. Food isn’t much about just sustaining, it’s more about emotion and how easy it is to get it. Most have become lazy and find that frozen meals, fast food, or eating out is the way to get fast, easy food, or just the lifestyle they have become accustomed to. l even hear women state their anti-cooking attitude, as if they aren’t supposed to be in the kitchen since they are in the work force. I feel like we all need to take a step back and really think the basics of happiness. Maybe if we all dialed it back, life would get easier to manage and this type of thing may get pushed to the back burner (I know it isn’t that easy).
Really, is it that big of a deal what some girl at work looks like or puts in her mouth? Or are you just taking out your own frustrations on someone who doesn’t deserve it…
GMomma recently posted..What Does Social Media Mean To You?
shanna
Thanks for stopping by and reading my latest. Yes, having a girl (how exciting!) must be a great opportunity to set right your own issues about body and image. It’s so important that we give the next generation of girls (and boys) the tools to remain strong in the face of an ugly media and social landscape.
Like so many things, we are a culture of extremes: uber-sexual (media representation and porn-focused), but repressed; obsessed with six-pack abs and thinness, but an extremely obese populace; and the whole *foodie* culture and cooking show voyuerism (another addiction?), yet fast food being a predominant source of sustenance (term used loosely) for our starving culture. It’s all too much to consider at once.
So, small steps, grow some of your own food, love your magnificent body 9and all its idiosyncrasies) that gets you from point A to point B, and teach your children to look upon others with compassion, not judgement.
Wendie Tobin
Women receive appearance-targeted messages their entire lives. Little girls are supposed to wear dresses and are told to “act like a lady.” So much of what we’re told is related to being pretty.
This was a great post. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Not just in regard to the weight/body thing, but just in general. Tearing women down—it’s a process, I guess.
shanna
Thanks for reading my post, Wendie! I appreciate that you stopped by and commented. That “act like a lady” gets to me, too. So many prescribed ways women are supposed to be (read: silent and subservient). Guess I never fit the mold growing up and I still don’t today.
Leah Shapiro
You got me thinking with this post.
I’m one of the people who have been posting these pictures and pushing against the idea that being thin is preferable…or even more desirable.
If I’m being honest I have to admit that the reason why I get riled up is because I’ve felt judged for my size for most of my life. Judged by my mother and nana, my brothers, other kids in school, men and other women. It feels bad to have the media portray my as less than……and have the fashion industry practically ignore my needs.
The judgement wasn’t always knowingly directed at me. There was the time that a bunch of friends who were at my house after being out for a night on the town, were having a big, opinionated conversation about why you never wanted to go out with anyone who wore a size 16 or more because they were way too fat. Everyone was in agreement……no-one noticed that I sat removed from the conversation in my size 18 black vinyl dress.
I think that acceptance can only help the health and well being of everyone. If I accept you and you accept me without judgement – things will be better.
Rock on!
Leah